i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
