Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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