You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
