umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
