I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
In America we eat man semen.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
