i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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