just come out here and I will go home with you...
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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