Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
The power of my boobs compel you
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
