dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
