I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
