so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
