I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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