My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
