one might say we're banned from that church
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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