We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
