The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
