Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
