five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
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