I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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