Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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