My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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