My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
