im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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