Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
