I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
