dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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