I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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