I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
