yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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