What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
you traded sex for a burrito?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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