quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
