I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
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iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
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Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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