dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
well you can't waste a boner
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
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