Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
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