TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
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I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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