i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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