I hate all girls vehemently.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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