Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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