Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
