Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
