Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
