You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
