I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
