Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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