Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
