Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
