The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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