I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
