I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
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She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
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I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
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