No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
