the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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