I accidentally had phone sex last night
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
