Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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