My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
