I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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